- "Be steadfast in yoga, devotee. Perform your duty without attachment, remaining equal to success or failure. Such equanimity of mind is called Yoga."
- - Bhagavad-Gita1
The end point of stability is a state called "equanimity." Equanimity means even-minded under all conditions. When in equanimity, our wisdom guides all of our actions and we stop seeing one state as more valuable than any other. Disease and health, pain and pleasure, loss and gain,2 or any of the dualities of the world cease to exist and we feel blissful in all circumstances.
Equanimity is often misunderstood to mean the same as the old definition of stability. Many people talk about achieving a state where there is only calmness, no ups or downs. They interpret it to mean being in a tranquil place that allows people to relax, to escape from the stresses and strains of everyday life and to "recharge their batteries." Although it is helpful to occasionally remove ourselves from the conditions that create stress for us as it helps us to achieve some peace, equanimity is the ability to remain peaceful while the world is crashing around us.
Equanimity goes by many names: ecstasy, bliss, samadhi, nirvana, self-realization, enlightenment, and many more. The state of equanimity is revered by all religions as the ultimate state of being. Often thought reserved for only the saints to experience, the saints themselves say that it is within every one of us to experience it.
Many of the greatest people in history have achieved equanimity through the same states that we are told to avoid. Many even credit deep depression as one of the clearest paths to get there. In The Depression Advantage3 I detailed how Saint Francis, Saint Teresa of Avila, Saint John of the Cross, Saint Anthony of the Desert, and Milerepa all found equanimity through depression. Equanimity for them was the result of facing their condition and learning from it instead of avoiding it. Saint John of the Cross even wrote a book called The Dark Night of the Soul4 that details the ways that depression is a divine path.
Equanimity as applied to depression does not mean we are never depressed. It means that although we are having symptoms that indicate depression, we are unaffected by them. Equanimity means True Freedom, Real Stability, and wisdom guided responses to all conditions.
Depression has four main components, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Not all states are the same, but if we pay enough attention we can see that all four components are involved to some degree. There are three main levels of depression: normal ups and downs, situational depression, and clinical depression. It is commonly believed that as we progress from normal levels to deep clinical depression the risk of suicide increases, but that is a very simplistic view.
Some people commit suicide at levels of depression that are not that deep. Others go into very deep depressions without ever even thinking about it. Some attempt suicide at one level of depression and then go to much deeper levels and don't even consider it. There is no magical point that causes suicide attempts. It is different for every individual.
My own experience with depression illustrates this principle. As I got older my depressions got much deeper and more frequent. My understanding increased, yet I was still debilitated by them and was even in great danger of suicide.
Several years ago I was in a very deep depression during a vacation in Cancun with my family. Although the physical pain was not so great, the mental component got the best of me. My mind was stuck in a loop that was a combination of obsessive thoughts and visions of my own death. The spiritual crisis was that life had no meaning and was not worth living. My symptoms were much more complex, of course, but the thoughts about killing myself were what did me in.
It is not necessary to go into more detail to make the point, but suffice it to say I remember it like it happened this morning. One thing about intense experiences of any kind: they become deeply embedded in our memory.
One positive outcome of my suicide attempt is that I began to pay very close attention to my depressions and began to understand them very deeply. I chose to analyze the symptoms and try to become expert in both the experience and the choices of how to react to them. As I learned more about myself and my condition, I slowly gained power over depression. I found that I could handle the lesser states easily and could even function acceptably in states that could clearly be compared to situational depression for "normal" people.
My understanding helped me to write The Depression Advantage5 and give great detail of the various levels of depression. Yet, I was still a long way from being able to see it in the light that the saints mentioned. During that time I was also functioning better and better, although my state was a fairly deep depression. I was thinking that I was "rising above" the pain and wrote about how the saints had done the same thing.
Life is not as simple as having a "breakthrough" that changes everything, but there are highlights that stick out and can seem like "breakthrough moments." Mine came during a keynote talk that I was giving for San Bernardino County Mental Health Department's annual dinner. As I was waiting for the event to start and setting up the recording equipment, I realized that I was in a state almost exactly the same as the one that nearly took my life in Cancun.
I am one of the rare people who have no fear of public speaking and usually don't even give it a thought. This time I was extremely nervous about my ability to give the talk and so was my wife Ellen. Right up to the very second that I was called, I had serious doubts that I could even stand up.
As I stood up to face the crowd, I started off telling them that I was having the deepest depression of my life and was not sure how it would go, but was going to give it a try. I related my story about Cancun and proceeded to go to my usual speaking points.
As I got into a groove, my fear went away while the symptoms of depression actually increased. My paranoia told me I was doing a horrible job, yet the video and reaction of the crowd said it went pretty well. It may not have been my best talk ever, but it was good enough for some of it to have made it to our YouTube Channel!6
My experiences previous to my "breakthrough talk" was the basis for my thoughts about insight, freedom, and stability because I was directly experiencing the benefits of the wisdom that I was gaining. I was also talking about the possibility of equanimity even though my own experiences of it was fleeting at best. My breakthrough was that I could maintain some semblance of equanimity in extreme states and still perform my responsibilities.
My ability to experience the most intense depressions and choose how to react to it rapidly increased after my breakthrough. I would wake up in the morning in such extreme states that I could see how depression could so easily kill someone, yet was finding it oddly interesting. I was so excited about the experience that my behavior was confusing those around me. In a manner that would suggest I won the lottery, I told my friend Peter Russell that I was in the deepest depression of my life.
Peter was so confused by my behavior that he asked me if there was such a thing as a "mixed state" where we are part depressed and part manic. When I said that it is a common occurrence he was visibly relieved. The next day he confirmed the existence of "mixed states" with Ellen. When Ellen shared the conversation with me, I realized that I was in uncharted territory.
It took several weeks to finally figure it out. It came to me as I was watching my cat jump up to a counter. Anyone with a cat knows that they jump exactly the right amount every time. I realized that I needed to adjust my reactions to both mania and depression much the same way a cat jumps from one place to another. My first cat-like move was when I was deeply depressed. I set out to jump from waking up in a depression that previously had me bedridden, or worse, to behavior so normal no one would know unless I told them.
When my next manic episode came, I found that I could make the same adjustments that I apply to depressive episodes. I found that I was truly experiencing equanimity in all states and not valuing one over the other. I was also functioning the same no matter what state I was in.
I began to realize that the saints didn't "rise above the pain" or make it go away. They got to a point that they were experiencing it fully, but the pain was no longer controlling their reactions.
The death of my dog was the final piece of the puzzle for me. We had Kriya for 14 years and were both very close to her. She had struggled with cancer for the last couple years of her life, and finally one day could not handle it any longer. The doctor examined her and said, "Have you thought about end of life for her?" I looked over at Ellen, then back to the doctor, and said, "Is there anything you can do to remove Kriya's pain for a while so that we can prepare for it?" I knew that we needed to be there for it and that it was going to take some preparation to be able to face it.
Holding Kriya during the procedure was exquisitely painful, but was also very beautiful for me. I was so moved by the experience that I found profound meaning in having been through it.
The Depression Advantage should not be misunderstood as the ability to "rise above" the pain. The advantage is that we have the ability to experience it more deeply, while having the wisdom to choose how to react.
It is impossible to have a life worth living that completely eliminates depression. The "cure" for depression is not the removal of all symptoms. The "cure" is to get to the point that the symptoms lose their power over us. We cannot get to that point by avoiding it. Equanimity means that even though the symptoms are still there, we no longer see them as negative.
I have been repeating a quote by Saint Teresa of Avila7 almost constantly for 8 months now; "The pain is still there. It bothers me so little now that I feel my soul is served by it." I recently realized that she didn't actually say that. She said, "The pain is still there. It bothers me so little now that I feel the Lord is served by it." In subconsciously translating it to fit my beliefs, I missed that the reference to "me" meant "soul," not the reference to God, as in "the Lord is served by it." I believe that the soul is God within, so in trying to internalize the quote, I did it in a way that missed the deeper truth.
One of the things I have been sorting through is that Saint Teresa was clearly affected by her condition. There were long periods where she was bedridden and in extreme pain. What I have learned from Saint Teresa is that my body, mind, and emotions may be very bothered, but when I focus on my soul I am in bliss. From equanimity (bliss) I can see that pain is part of bliss just as much as pleasure, happiness, and all other conditions.
Central to my beliefs is that every moment of our lives is an opportunity to be in bliss, but we avoid those with the most potential because we think that the difficult experiences need to be removed first. We are closer to experiencing bliss during the difficult times, not further from it. For most of us, we mistakenly think bliss means happiness. We cannot truly know bliss until we see it in our pain. Once we find bliss in pain, we find it everywhere. I now interpret Teresa's quote as: "The pain is still there. It doesn't bother my soul at all and helps me to be in bliss."
It takes equanimity to fully understand how bipolar or depression can be seen as an advantage. Once we begin to look at depression and mania from the perspective of equanimity, we see how such richness of experience brings insight and understanding that is beyond the capacity for those without such a perspective to even imagine.
- Yogananda,Paramahansa, The Bhavagad Gita, translation, 2003 Self-Realization Fellowship, CA, 2:48
- Yogananda, Paramahansa, The Autobiography of a Yogi, 1987, Self-Realization Fellowship, CA, p. 409
- Wootton, Tom, The Depression Advantage, 2007 Bipolar Advantage Publishers, CA
- Peers, E. Allison, The Dark Night of the Soul, translation, 1990 Random House, N.Y.
- Wootton, Tom, The Depression Advantage, 2007 Bipolar Advantage Publishers, CA
- http://www.youtube.com/BipolarAdvantage
- Teresa of Avila: Mystical Writings, ed. Tessa Bielecki, 1999, Crossword Publishing Company, NY. p. 119
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